Smiling thru Tears

Fathers day 2011.. I sit here taking an inventory of my nearly 33 years as a Dad and I smile thru tears.

I smile thinking about how lucky I am to have such amazing children and cry when I think of them.

I smile when my thoughts include snapshots of so many incredible moments from changing their diapers, to being at the hospital for the birth of my Grandchildren, and I cry when I allow myself to wonder if I have done enough.

I smile when I look at my life and how much my kids have been there for me whenever I needed them and I cry when I allow my insecurity with ME as a Dad to consume me into knowing I have failed them. Knowing I could have done more, knowing I made so many errors, knowing I wish I could go back in time and correct them all. Hoping any bruises caused by my lack of Dad Experience have healed. Wishing I was not so alone when learning how to be a dad, wishing my father could have guided me.

I smile when I remember what my father was to me and how much he taught me, I cry because he left me before he could see what I have done with my dream! I find myself screaming at him for being so DAMN Selfish to die before we could.. before he could see.. before he could sit in my theatre and watch a show his son directed! I Scream WHY????? Where the hell ARE YOU??? I get so damn angry at times when I look at what I have done and how he is not here to see it..

I smile also whenever the lights go up at ACCT and my mind remembers my Dad and me at "A Chorus Line" when I was 18 and my Mom and me at "Annie" when I was 12, and I cry when I wake up to not see them in the audience

I smile when I think of my 3 little Princesses and what amazing women they have become, I cry when once again I wonder about Me as their Dad. I cannot help but know that I screwed up somewhere, somehow. I get so mad at me, yet I am not even sure why.

I smile when I think of my guys and how incredibly proud I am of both of them and I cry at how much closer I wish we could be. Again I find me questioning me as their dad.

I smile when I remember when I first met Donald, who refused to look at me and Pam, who was so damn cute, she made me cry, I cry when I know how much we went thru to get to where we are. At times it was very painful and I hope I handled it well.

I smiled and cried when Pam asked me to walk with her down the aisle at her wedding. An honor I get to share with her incredible father.

Bottom line is.. Smiles keep me going and keep me strong. A smile for me can be, and often is, the best prescription for me to get thru the crap life throws my way and I am so fortunate to have my children whose faces I can conjure up whenever a smile is necessary to cure me.

I love them all more than life itself and hope, hope, hope, hope, they know it..