I Am He and He is confused (a little)

     Just today, my mind took me again to a place I hate to visit. A Place that drives me to misunderstand who I am, what I am, and where I should be going.. Once again, friends I spent so many incredible times with laughing, screaming and, YES, crying with are now gone, not dead, just out of my life, and it hurts.
     We buried friends together, enjoyed incredible moments together, cried and laughed together, made future plans together, and more, yet they now are gone. Muted by them, their silence designed to cause me great pain, and it does, over a issue which created the "I am out of your life now" disease, that in all cases, could have and should have been medicated and cured by conversation, compromise and sincere apologies where needed..
     Instead the abandonment was the only reaction those who left me determined was appropriate. In one instance a friendship of 12 years tossed away without any resistance to doing so, no conversation to resolve and a complete rejection to my sincere and heartfelt plea to please sit down and chat. In every instance of the past 6 months when their reaction to an issue separated me from "True Friends" I submitted a missive requesting we work hard together to fix "US", all I got back was silence. So I now know the "muted ones" were never "True Friends" in the first place and that revelation caused me great sadness. 
     

 I now relocate me to a safer place where I can spend my time in peace. 

A place where I can better define "who is who" so as not 

to have my heart broken again.. 

Here is what I NOW know.. 

    I have "True Friends"who love me because they just do.. They put up with my moods, good, bad and awful, because they love me.. Why do they love me? Not my call and honestly I don't need to know because at 58 years old, "I Am He And He Is Me" and not much can change that..

     
     Then I have "Convenience Friends" who are genuine in their love of me for the moments we spend time together, whether it be for an entire run of a show, or an occasional outing we are part of together, etc.. And that is ok with me..
    
      Then I HAD these "Facade Friends".. Those who profess love for you, sometimes for years, as long as your status in their life provides something they need... These are the ones we ALL get hurt by.. We get hurt because our love for them does not subscribe to the "What they can do for me" mandate! We are fooled when they exit. We are devastated when they abandon us, usually for inane reasons we never understand, and we complete our misery by going through a self analysis in an attempt to define where we went wrong!!  

Forgive to Forget or Forget to Forgive?

On the surface the question the title points to seems somewhat redundant and a bit inane. In that the answer to the question raised, whatever it might be, could be addressed with a simple Yes or No, I struggled a bit over selecting a more detailed descriptive. As you can see, I elected to honor the original thought and elaborate in the body of the post..

The question, for me, is not easily answered as I have embraced both ideas and felt, at the time, that doing so was the correct response to an issue and/or conflict.

When I decide to "Forgive to Forget," either an action or the person(s) involved in it that caused the issue in the first place, it leaves me feeling accomplished. I find that it simply resolves the issue, on the surface, by dictating that it is best left Forgiven so I can, in due time, Forget there was ever an issue in the first place. It is an easy path to traverse for me because it, on the surface, acts as closure.

When I decide to "Forget to Forgive," either an action or the person(s) involved in it that caused the issue in the first place, I do so by escaping or hiding mentally. I then am able to avoid confronting me with the idea I need to act. I find that it simply resolves the issue, on the surface, because I then have "Forgotten to Forgive," whatever the issue was or the person (s) involved were. A very easy and emotionally affordable reaction to any issue where "Forgiving" is on the "What do I do?" menu. However as I have gained years on my life, resulting in an increased exposure to asking questions about who I am or who I should be, I find my analysis of the effectiveness of both actions has changed dramatically.

Mostly due to my increased understanding of the sanctity of life itself and how little time I actually get to enjoy it, my ability to "Forget to Forgive," or  "Forgive to Forget," without impurity has dissipated. What I mean when I reference impurity is what I now know to be true... Both actions are impure as they accomplish nothing other than cloaking the reality of each situation! The problem which initiated the conflict is still present and the emotions released because of the conflict are not tempered. On the surface, I am cool as a clam, internally, the flames fueled by anger, are still lit. Nothing is solved.

Recently, for example, attempts to resolves issues have resulted in silence from those I reached out to. A conciliatory plea to sit down face to face via email, text messages and FB Messages, resulted in silence from the others. Really? Seems odd to me that humans cannot even take the time to "talk things out" electing instead to allow anger mandate reaction. None of the issues surrounding the break in friendships can be assumed to be so dastardly that a conversation should not be considered. In all 3 instances a close friendship has simply been tossed into the proverbial trashcan, one erasing 11 years of memories.

I imagine those of you who are reading this are trying to determine if you have ever subscribed to the"Forgive to Forget or Forget to Forgive?" system.

I also imagine that those who have decided they are subscribers. or were, might now hopefully adjust their approach the next time a conflict is presented. It is not  easy to change. Confronting an issue for the sole reason to absolve each other of the possibility of a great friendship being extinguished is a very difficult proposition. The mechanics of honestly trying to might, and in most cases does, dictate an admittance of guilt without the usual "But this is why" escape clause. How many of us can actually open that door?

So, there you have it. A missive meant for me to read and re-read as often as I can as a reminder to remain true to me and to those I call friends. A reminder that a "Forgive to Forget or Forget to Forgive?" initiative is not a response that will bring closure to any situation. A Reminder that life is too short to hold grudges or allow friendships to be destroyed for any reason without at least making every attempt to:

"Forgive and then Forget but never Forget 
thinking doing so will bring Forgiveness!"

Life as me and me as Life - who gives a shit!

I am who I am, I make no excuses..I do what I do because to ME it is what I need to do to survive.. I am nice to many and somewhat mean, when the mood hits me, to others.. I am honest to a fault and I love with ease.. I tolerate "SOME WHO I SHOULD NOT" as much as humanly possible because to me, it is the only way any of us can survive. I have my faults and freely admit them, most of the time.

I have some control over what I say and when I say it but my passion for honesty without reservation commands me to abandon all control. At times, I listen to everyone but only hear what is comfortable, Other times I digest it all..

I forgive to forget and forget to forgive at times.

And Now I am done..

Smiling thru Tears

Fathers day 2011.. I sit here taking an inventory of my nearly 33 years as a Dad and I smile thru tears.

I smile thinking about how lucky I am to have such amazing children and cry when I think of them.

I smile when my thoughts include snapshots of so many incredible moments from changing their diapers, to being at the hospital for the birth of my Grandchildren, and I cry when I allow myself to wonder if I have done enough.

I smile when I look at my life and how much my kids have been there for me whenever I needed them and I cry when I allow my insecurity with ME as a Dad to consume me into knowing I have failed them. Knowing I could have done more, knowing I made so many errors, knowing I wish I could go back in time and correct them all. Hoping any bruises caused by my lack of Dad Experience have healed. Wishing I was not so alone when learning how to be a dad, wishing my father could have guided me.

I smile when I remember what my father was to me and how much he taught me, I cry because he left me before he could see what I have done with my dream! I find myself screaming at him for being so DAMN Selfish to die before we could.. before he could see.. before he could sit in my theatre and watch a show his son directed! I Scream WHY????? Where the hell ARE YOU??? I get so damn angry at times when I look at what I have done and how he is not here to see it..

I smile also whenever the lights go up at ACCT and my mind remembers my Dad and me at "A Chorus Line" when I was 18 and my Mom and me at "Annie" when I was 12, and I cry when I wake up to not see them in the audience

I smile when I think of my 3 little Princesses and what amazing women they have become, I cry when once again I wonder about Me as their Dad. I cannot help but know that I screwed up somewhere, somehow. I get so mad at me, yet I am not even sure why.

I smile when I think of my guys and how incredibly proud I am of both of them and I cry at how much closer I wish we could be. Again I find me questioning me as their dad.

I smile when I remember when I first met Donald, who refused to look at me and Pam, who was so damn cute, she made me cry, I cry when I know how much we went thru to get to where we are. At times it was very painful and I hope I handled it well.

I smiled and cried when Pam asked me to walk with her down the aisle at her wedding. An honor I get to share with her incredible father.

Bottom line is.. Smiles keep me going and keep me strong. A smile for me can be, and often is, the best prescription for me to get thru the crap life throws my way and I am so fortunate to have my children whose faces I can conjure up whenever a smile is necessary to cure me.

I love them all more than life itself and hope, hope, hope, hope, they know it..