I Am He and He is confused (a little)

     Just today, my mind took me again to a place I hate to visit. A Place that drives me to misunderstand who I am, what I am, and where I should be going.. Once again, friends I spent so many incredible times with laughing, screaming and, YES, crying with are now gone, not dead, just out of my life, and it hurts.
     We buried friends together, enjoyed incredible moments together, cried and laughed together, made future plans together, and more, yet they now are gone. Muted by them, their silence designed to cause me great pain, and it does, over a issue which created the "I am out of your life now" disease, that in all cases, could have and should have been medicated and cured by conversation, compromise and sincere apologies where needed..
     Instead the abandonment was the only reaction those who left me determined was appropriate. In one instance a friendship of 12 years tossed away without any resistance to doing so, no conversation to resolve and a complete rejection to my sincere and heartfelt plea to please sit down and chat. In every instance of the past 6 months when their reaction to an issue separated me from "True Friends" I submitted a missive requesting we work hard together to fix "US", all I got back was silence. So I now know the "muted ones" were never "True Friends" in the first place and that revelation caused me great sadness. 
     

 I now relocate me to a safer place where I can spend my time in peace. 

A place where I can better define "who is who" so as not 

to have my heart broken again.. 

Here is what I NOW know.. 

    I have "True Friends"who love me because they just do.. They put up with my moods, good, bad and awful, because they love me.. Why do they love me? Not my call and honestly I don't need to know because at 58 years old, "I Am He And He Is Me" and not much can change that..

     
     Then I have "Convenience Friends" who are genuine in their love of me for the moments we spend time together, whether it be for an entire run of a show, or an occasional outing we are part of together, etc.. And that is ok with me..
    
      Then I HAD these "Facade Friends".. Those who profess love for you, sometimes for years, as long as your status in their life provides something they need... These are the ones we ALL get hurt by.. We get hurt because our love for them does not subscribe to the "What they can do for me" mandate! We are fooled when they exit. We are devastated when they abandon us, usually for inane reasons we never understand, and we complete our misery by going through a self analysis in an attempt to define where we went wrong!!  

Forgive to Forget or Forget to Forgive?

On the surface the question the title points to seems somewhat redundant and a bit inane. In that the answer to the question raised, whatever it might be, could be addressed with a simple Yes or No, I struggled a bit over selecting a more detailed descriptive. As you can see, I elected to honor the original thought and elaborate in the body of the post..

The question, for me, is not easily answered as I have embraced both ideas and felt, at the time, that doing so was the correct response to an issue and/or conflict.

When I decide to "Forgive to Forget," either an action or the person(s) involved in it that caused the issue in the first place, it leaves me feeling accomplished. I find that it simply resolves the issue, on the surface, by dictating that it is best left Forgiven so I can, in due time, Forget there was ever an issue in the first place. It is an easy path to traverse for me because it, on the surface, acts as closure.

When I decide to "Forget to Forgive," either an action or the person(s) involved in it that caused the issue in the first place, I do so by escaping or hiding mentally. I then am able to avoid confronting me with the idea I need to act. I find that it simply resolves the issue, on the surface, because I then have "Forgotten to Forgive," whatever the issue was or the person (s) involved were. A very easy and emotionally affordable reaction to any issue where "Forgiving" is on the "What do I do?" menu. However as I have gained years on my life, resulting in an increased exposure to asking questions about who I am or who I should be, I find my analysis of the effectiveness of both actions has changed dramatically.

Mostly due to my increased understanding of the sanctity of life itself and how little time I actually get to enjoy it, my ability to "Forget to Forgive," or  "Forgive to Forget," without impurity has dissipated. What I mean when I reference impurity is what I now know to be true... Both actions are impure as they accomplish nothing other than cloaking the reality of each situation! The problem which initiated the conflict is still present and the emotions released because of the conflict are not tempered. On the surface, I am cool as a clam, internally, the flames fueled by anger, are still lit. Nothing is solved.

Recently, for example, attempts to resolves issues have resulted in silence from those I reached out to. A conciliatory plea to sit down face to face via email, text messages and FB Messages, resulted in silence from the others. Really? Seems odd to me that humans cannot even take the time to "talk things out" electing instead to allow anger mandate reaction. None of the issues surrounding the break in friendships can be assumed to be so dastardly that a conversation should not be considered. In all 3 instances a close friendship has simply been tossed into the proverbial trashcan, one erasing 11 years of memories.

I imagine those of you who are reading this are trying to determine if you have ever subscribed to the"Forgive to Forget or Forget to Forgive?" system.

I also imagine that those who have decided they are subscribers. or were, might now hopefully adjust their approach the next time a conflict is presented. It is not  easy to change. Confronting an issue for the sole reason to absolve each other of the possibility of a great friendship being extinguished is a very difficult proposition. The mechanics of honestly trying to might, and in most cases does, dictate an admittance of guilt without the usual "But this is why" escape clause. How many of us can actually open that door?

So, there you have it. A missive meant for me to read and re-read as often as I can as a reminder to remain true to me and to those I call friends. A reminder that a "Forgive to Forget or Forget to Forgive?" initiative is not a response that will bring closure to any situation. A Reminder that life is too short to hold grudges or allow friendships to be destroyed for any reason without at least making every attempt to:

"Forgive and then Forget but never Forget 
thinking doing so will bring Forgiveness!"